Dawn of a New Day for those girls from high school gym class

Remember those girls? Whatever the game, they were sure to stand in a group and scream when any action came within ten feet of them. Were these girls disinterested in gym class? Maybe you see their ass as half-empty, but I see it half-full. Stay with me now, because here comes the pitch for my new sport: The International Half-Assed Sports League.

My league's contests will be played "I dunno...what about over there?" in the sport of whatever ball is lying in the muck over by those rusty bleachers. Once the game is established by a committee of "come on by Austin I meant married, tell us what to play already, I've got a nap to take," the chosen sport will played by the internationally recognized rules with one important exception; my strict rules to ensure lack of effort. The DICKtionary defines effort as "a vigorous or determined attempt", but how does one definitively define what is and what is not effort? Unfortunately, explaining and enforcing my rules will involve entirely breaking them. Now I know how George W Bush feels.

I briefly half-assedly flirted with the idea of defining "running effort" as a bend of the knee past a certain angle, or the absence of at least one foot on the ground. But instead of going through the trouble of hiring a team of protractor-toting referees sneaking up behind players, and acknowledging the existence of jackasses who will speed walk their way into unconscionable trying, I've decided to take the easy route of simply measuring effort by velocity. Replace those protractors with radar guns and you've got yourself a pseudo-sport!

Sure, that takes care of physical exertion, but what about mental/emotional investment in the outcome of the contest? How can you measure a man's soul? I'll tell you how, with an extensive network of replay cameras catching every facial distortion on the grassless field of play. Every furrowed brow, every unglazed over eye, every deep breath in the form of a sigh will result in massive fines and possible jail time (jail will be constructed under the rusty bleachers and manned by that guy over there with the shopping cart ranting about the government). Also worth mentioning: deep breaths in the form of getting more oxygen to an exerted body will be equally punished, as exertion is, of course, evil and contrary to what we're doing here, you asshole.

First contest is "whenever you want, I don't care" at "that's too far, let's just use this sidewalk here." Please bring a thousand dollars cash to help finance my team of officials, my radar guns, my replay cameras and televisions, and the stuffing of my own coiffers. See ya around I guess.